The 10 least threatening movie killers. By Simon Miraudo.
Is there a more lovable actor than Steve Carell working today? We think not. Don’t you just want to cuddle him?! He’s abandoned his post at The Office and is now looking for more serious feature film fare, such as the recently announced Foxcatcher in which he’ll play – and brace yourself now – real-life schizophrenic and convicted killer John du Pont. Who knows? Maybe Carell will slay (pun intended) in a darker role. To celebrate his unconventional casting, we’re looking back at the 10 least threatening movie killers of all time. Hopefully, Carell doesn’t make this list in the near future, because watching these performances is just murder.
Mila Kunis had to cut her teeth on a bunch of truly regrettable films before she could get to where she is today. Perhaps there is no better example than the direct-to-video sequel to American Psycho, in which a 19-year-old Kunis played a sociopathic criminology student who – get this – killed OG AP Patrick Bateman when she was just a child. Described as “more obsessed than Dahmer and more calculated than Bundy”, her exploits include throwing William Shatner out of a window. This movie was not successful.
I’m a fan of Gus van Sant’s bizarro Psycho remake, if only because it’s such a wildly misguided, one-of-a-kind, cinematic experiment. That being said, Vaughn’s giggly Norman Bates isn’t a patch on Anthony Perkins‘ original creep.
At one point or another – who can keep up with this labyrinthine saga? – both The Princess Bride’s Westley and Becker’s kooky assistant Linda were the most dangerous of Jigsaw’s footmen. Inconceivable!
Kutch plays a suave super-assassin who can end lives without breaking a sweat, but decides to settle down when he meets Katherine Heigl. OK, that’s asking a lot from the audience, but we’ll go along with it. Wait – the film doesn’t end with the Kutcher enacting a murder-suicide to free him of her incessant nagging? You lost us. Can’t you see how exasperated she makes him?!
In the inexplicably popular cult-classic The Boondock Saints, a stone-faced Billy Connolly plays feared hitman and father of the central characters, Il Duce. He was scarier in those ING ads.
We love Tim Olyphant, but following in the footsteps of legendary Die Hard villains Alan Rickman and Jeremy Irons is no easy feat. As computer hacker/bug-eyed killer Thomas Gabriel, he’s dispatched with relative ease by John McClane, and resigned to the graveyard of forgettable movie villains alongside … so and so and …. the other guy.
The only thing Jareth the Goblin King kills in Labyrinth is his sperm count (try scouring the image of Bowie’s super-tight jeans from your corneas). Still, for a baby-thief with no qualms about asking a 15-year-old Jennifer Connelly to be his lover, he’s not all that menacing. It probably has something to do with the muppets.
9. The trees in The Happening
This was really a stretch, even for Shyamalan.
10. The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in Ghostbusters
“I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood. Something that could never, ever possibly destroy us. Mr. Stay Puft.” Well, he’s obviously scarier than that painting of Vigo in the sequel, but he earns a mention here for looking so darn delicious!